Glorious Ruins

Samuel's Strawberry Surprise/Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've never posted something I've made (but I wish I did because I so appreciate when others post recipes). Making this is a great example of cooking/baking with food allergies, Ashley style, at its best. You have an idea...look up the "normal" recipe and then figure out how to do it so that your little one can eat it. Which also means asking other Mama's, online, who know about this stuff.

Most of the time you spend too much time, money, energy, not to mention heart, and he doesn't even eat it. Yes, that is true. But every once in awhile it works and he will love it. Also, a part of the drama, is that you occasionally find yourself throwing some ingredient in because you know it needs something. This kept happening to me tonight and I was able to laugh out loud many times, all by happy self, in my quiet kitchen. So, we'll see if it is any good, particularly if HE likes it. I'll try to post the recipe if so.

By the way, this is that pretzel, strawberry/strawberry jello, creamy dessert you probably had at a potluck long ago. Come to think of it, that is the one and only time I had it--at a potluck in Dusseldorf, Germany, another lifetime ago. Obviously made by an American.

And, finally, this is WHAT I made for Samuel for Thanksgiving. I have no idea what else he will eat. Probably a hot dog and chips.

Breathing Treatment

2011-11-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

So last night Sam had his first breathing treatment at Lebonheur. I hate that I've said "first", but in my mama gut, that is what I feel. Asthma is a whole new world to me. I am not saying he has it, he very well might not...time will tell. But the odds are way in his favor. In case you don't know--allergies, eczema, and asthma go hand and hand. It would be rare to find someone who only has one of these.

Can't believe we were just at the top ranked respiratory hospital in the world (National Jewish in Denver), and left without help in this area. Actually, Samuel had his first wheezing there, but not while in the hospital.

Anywho, he is fine now. He and Daddy are on their way to Walgreens now to get his new inhaler and Aerochamber. AND an antibiotic because while we were there they just happened to notice a double ear infection! Of course he didn't go to sleep until after 10:30, was up in middle of the night, and was wide awake, ready for the day at 5:15! Lord, help us!

2011-11-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

I'm putting this picture here because I need a URL place to post!

normal life, good life

2011-11-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

1. mimi carol has come for a visit!

2. followed by mimi vv's visit

3. samuel found a snake in the back yard! he brought it to me as if a worm!

4. eli left me a note...i found this cleaning up after lunch one day!

5. aunt b came, aka, aunt bestsy. it was a fun time, but we didn't take any pictures, sadly.
6. two things i have no pictures of:
yesterday when i picked eli up from mother's day out, his teacher told me that he had sleep walked during their nap time!
and,
today on our way to our local bookstore, samuel told me quiet earnestly, studdering and all, that he asked Jesus to let there be no story time at the bookstore (he prefers to play). ah! his first acknowledged prayer of supplication unanswered! i knew there would be story time, so i tried to brace him, but...

7. just a thought about samuel's skin, as so many still ask about colorado. below is a random picture taken in august. his worst spots are covered up, and yet there is much to see. i don't have a great one to compare, but his skin has been practically clear since returning. a huge praise. as a result he is sleeping better and far less anxious, etc. thank you God.

quick epilogue

2011-10-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

so many of you have asked how it all went.

here are the things we learned at National Jewish (some of which i have already mentioned, but this will the one-stop-for-all info.)

*samuel has an allergy to peas. i don't know exactly which peas. i know green pea but the docs want us to proceed only with great caution with all legumes (which is an outrageous prescription for us who love lentils, black beans and many others). we know there is an allergy to green peas, which he hates, yet had been slipping in on a daily basis with the butter (earth balance soy free) that we use(d), and often with our cheese (daiya). both are vegan/soy-free---so they are reaching for a protein...and use green pea. so, no more.

*he also has a sesame allergy, which also was slipping in with his occasional cracker (crunchmaster gluten and soy free sea salt crackers which we love(d). also, there are traces in his pretzels (ener-g wylde wheat and soy free pretzels) which he ADORES and we previously eating daily.

----even though the docs initially discouraged us from being able to find a food trigger to his eczema flares, i think we all now see that the green pea and sesame were bothering his skin. time will tell.

*we feel very competent to treat all stages of eczema. if any reader ever needs help of any kind re: eczema---call me. for almost four years i think i can honestly say that i knew most all there was to know. yet denver was helpful in watching the nurses do their thing with the steroids, wraps, etc.

*our suspicion of dustmites and humidity flaring his skin was affirmed just by docs' reasoning and samuel's testing.

*finally, we learned that he is just a very allergic little man---to foods and environmental allergies. his tests for peanut and soybean were (literally) off the charts, which is hard since his numbers have gotten so much worse since he was last tested at 7 months old. for example, his soy number was 2.2 and now >100. one hopes to see their child's numbers going down, not up.

now the rest is just my rambling for those still interested-------------------

only 20% of peanut allergic children are said to outgrow the allergy. i have always felt relatively okay (i know that sounds weird) with that. our world has grown aware of peanut allergy, and while it is a very serious and fatal allergy, it is more common which means easier to avoid and easier to deal with practically and socially.

as far as the others---soybean, egg, milk, wheat, and tree nuts (okay and green peas and sesame)...i just know that you put one foot in front of the other and live each day. my job is to feed him and love him, advocate for him when needed. i used to pray daily he would outgrow his allergies. i don't know if i have stopped praying so much bc my prayer life is usually pathetic, or, if i have grown weary or pessimistic in these four short years. neither reason feels good to me.

more than anything i want samuel to obviously...well, not die. i know that is a serious statement, but all parents of food allergic kids probably would name that first i suspect. after that, i want him to grow up knowing he is loved by me, david, and God. i want him to know he is special---not because he has allergies or because he is so cute :), but because he simply is...part of being created in a wonderful and fearful way. and, in his case he was created in such a way that his body misunderstands certain food proteins. i want him to be able to live as normally as possible. i want to teach him how to do sports, travel abroad, shop and cook for himself, etc...basically take care of himself while having severe allergies and eczema. these are things that he can learn and will have to learn, things i know i can teach him.

my heart was really pricked greatly by those teenagers there (see our "day one" post below). i know that the odds are in samuel's favor to struggle with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, etc. due to his condition. i feel called to help him as much as possible (yet no more) to grow strong mentally. as a mama i long for him to be kind, sensitive to others and passionate towards good things. also, i long for him to have a very solid sense of himself, to know his value in Christ and to be confident and secure. seeing those older kids there was in one strange sense a great thing. because it is a reality, i feel thankful that i was able to witness it as a mama of a four year old. i am guessing such mental anguish caught their parents by surprise as it grew perhaps slowly through the years. Dear Lord, i pray to patiently, yet intentionally, shepherd both he and eli's little boy heart's that will grow and mature and one day be that of a man's. i pray God will use samuel's stuggles for good in both his life and the life of others.

so i have certainly gotten off track. the end of the denver updates. unless i finally get around to sharing what amazing hosts we had there with the bartley's.

we tried!

2011-10-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

sam had a bite of wheat noodles at 10:15, then another bite at 10:35, a few bites at 10:55, then a good bit at 11:25. nurse checking his skin and lungs/breathing before each new bite. he seemed fine. he loved them. about an hour later i saw a small hive on his face. a bit longer there were three...and within an hour he was covered from the trunk up.
doc gave him 1.5 tsp of benadryl and they were gone after a couple of hours.

the doctors were surprised that the reaction took so long to present itself. he had a similar reaction the only other time he had wheat, and come to think of it, it was similar to when he had green pea as a baby.

we didn't loose anything from trying. except, of course, that everything this afternoon had to be canceled. and, i don't know if we will be able to challenge another food tomorrow or not (we had planned on trying shrimp and oat). it does kind of mess up things because you have to be off antihistimines to test for allergies via skin test, which we were thinking of doing for a couple of things tomorrow.

but, still it's okay. we actually had decided to cut out a day early and fly home on saturday. we figured that one more day wasn't worth spending three more days here. we have loved denver but also would like to get home to real life. we are so thankful that we have been able to be at national jewish, but also...a little tired of being there.

i'm still really torn. and, it is hard to explain the reasons.

basically, samuel had so many positives on his tests. i had decided to just overlook them and carry on assuming they were false positives, but i keep hearing that terrible voice in my head, "what if X is the one food that is keeping him up at night scratching." which is probably not true. and, i might can do the detective work at home. we know that he isn't eating anything he is highly allergic to, but certainly perhaps an eczema trigger.

if that last statement seems to contradict one of my earlier posts, it is because that is what i have concluded this week via my own intuition, talking with some nurses, and a couple of other doctors. just because he doesn't break out in hives, vomit and stop breathing doesn't mean he doesn't have a food that is flaring his skin, causing problems. just hard to pinpoint it at home where dust mites and humidity abound.

lastly, we were told that we need to take sesame and green pea out of his diet, that they look like solid positives. sounds easy since he doesn't even like green peas and since we aren't passionate about sesame. but, sadly his favorite chips and pretzels (which he eats everyday) have sesame in them. and, his butter and vegan cheese
(our only cheese option realistically) both have pea protein. this will take a few days to sink in. i am so glad (it seems that) we gained soy lecithin and soy oil, but wow---we are loosing four of our main staples. mainly butter and dayia cheese. sigh. i can honestly say, however, i am glad to know. perhaps THEY were what was flaring his skin??!! i say that partially kidding, but who knows.

praying i will have wisdom to know if i should just wrap things up tomorrow and get home on samuel's birthday, or stay over the weekend to finish on monday (which was the original plan since program is really 10 week-days). not a huge deal either way.

a few more pics. samuel has made some friends, which has been very dear. below are sawyer and his sister hazel. sawyer came with severe eczema and had been told to avoid 30 plus foods; his family was spending close to $3K each month on his prescription formula...he was discharged today with beautiful skin and a has added the majority of those foods back in. it was great to get to talk with his mom and dad throughout our stay.

sam passed soy lecithin and soy oil!!!!!!!

2011-10-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

this is huge. it opens up many store bought foods for us.

we are so glad. hate that i am still a little bit skeptical.

for four years we have avoided anything that says soy like the plague as samuel is anaphylaxic to soy. and even this week his skin test was highly positive; RAST (blood test) score was literally off the charts high (along with peanut). so, it will take some time to get used to seeing the word soy and then buying it and then preparing it/feeding it to him.

clarification if you missed it from another post: the protein in soy lecithin and oil is removed in the process of creating the substances, so the body doesn't recognize it as soy, so therefore safe. sort of like how most peanut allergic folks can safely eat at chic-fil-a, which uses peanut oil.

my question is: if soy lecithin and soy oil are safe for soy allergics 99% of the time, why do we not know more about this and thus consume it!!??

he tested positive to almost all of the 35 things that were tested on the blood test, yet we will assume most are false positives since we eat them okay now. if the numbers are high and they correlate with strong positive on skin test we might think about testing those to see if his eczema flares.

tomorrow we will try wheat. the only big one we will do as his results to egg, milk, peanut and soy are extremely high and not even able to consider considering.
i really doubt we will pass wheat, but will be glad we tried.

thanks for reading and following all this confusing verbage.

quick update

2011-10-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

david and eli left today. i didn't realize how much we loved having them here until we came "home" today and they were gone. they were able to spend a few days at the hospital with us. and---we went to the aquarium, hiking, the zoo, the natural science museum, visited red rock amphitheater...etc. david and samuel got to do what they like best---run around 100 mph together.

couple updates:
-tomorrow samuel gets to skip the wet wraps. in fact right now he is sleeping without them for the first night in a long, long time. we'll see how he does. (major detail is that colorado has NO dust mites as it is too dry for them to live! which, are probably one of s's big triggers, especially at night.)

--his skin looks and feels amazing. so soft. never felt like this. we contribute this to the number of baths/wraps and elecon.

--today they did a food challenge to beef, which was not scary in the least. we did it to see if he would have an eczema flare. he didn't. was fine.

--tomorrow is actually our first big day---in terms of really seeing if he can add things to his diet. docs say that 99% of people with soy allergy can eat things with soy lecithin and/or soy oil. so tonight i bought vegan chocolate chips with s.l. and we will just take some oil and mix it into applesauce or something. despite the stats i am skeptical. but, being able to eat that would really open up tons of things as most all processed stuff have one of those two things. not that we want processed stuff...but certainly on occasion.

--the other food challenge we will most likely do is wheat. his skin test was positive, but just barely. if the blood test comes back low too we will try it. we will probably try it even if it doesn't. he's only had wheat once and it was over two years ago. i cannot even begin to say how adding wheat would change our lives. we will see. i expect to gain no foods, but certainly would love that surprise.

--like i said, we have not yet gotten the blood tests back; hopefully tomorrow so we can see if we want to challenge any more foods. the only thing that might even be a possibility would be baked egg---which i feel is very unlikely.
and if there are some foods that have high positives which correlate with positives on skin test we might eat those to watch for an eczema flare (which we would be able to see since his skin is so clear.)

eli often insists on walking on his own. which is...fine...except when on a long hike...

samuel had to have a go at the back pack action

Food Allergies 101

2011-10-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

I alluded to this in the last post---beliefs about food allergies vary greatly, even in the medical world. The following information is based on the views of the doctors at National Jewish, and, importantly the top allergists in the world, and, also by many of those who have had lots of personal experience with food allergies.

I will use Samuel's body to explain. We came here solely in hopes of discovering if there was a food we were missing. I was suspicious of beef, tomato, white potato and sesame. Not all of them, but wondered if one was causing his flares. In his nearly four years, allergists have tested him to the first two on the list, and, each time the tests came back positive. However, we thought they were false positives and left them in his diets. But recently, I started to wonder.

According to Dr. Fleischer at NJ you are not allergic to a food unless it causes hives or symptoms of anaphylaxis. Also interestingly, you will not gain any new allergies. Except, there are times that one can become allergic later on to shellfish. So there would be no reason to test for new allergies.

Those are big statements for mamas like me to wrap our heads around. One, we are so desperate to find any answer that can help severe eczema flares. And, this view is not commonly held. In fact, our dermatologist (whose son has severe FA) and our beloved allergist would not draw that line. They would both say that flared eczema could be a symptom.

But Fleischer (who is one of the two top dogs here) says no. I feel that it is possible to have a "milder" allergy to a certain food...and where one might not stop breathing upon ingestion, one could certainly get flares. Not according to Fleischer. There is not such thing as a mild food allergy.

So, as in the case with Samuel---we are not missing any food. It is a waste of time and money (and certainly heart) looking for THE food that is reaking havoc. Since Samuel is no longer contact reactive to milk, we have not seen hives in a while. And (except one small incident this summer) we haven't had anaphylaxis symptoms either in a long time.

I am so thankful to Dr. Fleischer because he very respectfully wants me/us to leave Denver believing deeply in our hearts that this is the case. He doesn't want us getting back to Memphis and still wondering about a food. Love him for this. Because truthfully, there have been many times when I was given false info from medical doctors in the past re: Samuel. Each time I did not believe them, and each time, I was right.

I could say much more about this, but trying to say it briefly.

Friday Samuel had a scratch test to environmental allergies in TN (horrible!! so allergic!!) and a blood draw (very difficult, even Daddy cried as they had trouble getting blood) to test for IgE in blood.

They should have the results back on Monday. At that point we will do a few more skin tests (called puddle tests) and start eating the suspicious foods looking for reactions. Which is the only way to really know. I don't know how long all that will take. We are supposed to be here for 10 more days. I hope we can finish our work by then.

NOW for the FUN NEWS! Daddy and Eli flew in on Friday! We have loved being with them. Today (Saturday) S had to go in for a bath and wrap, so we used the last bit of our morning to go to the aquarium which was fun. Tomorrow we are headed toward Golden for hiking and "seeing mountains" as Samuel keeps mentioning.

this was S's favorite part of the aquarium---seeing swimmers in the tank

Day 3 at NJ, AKA too much info

2011-09-29T20:56:00.001-07:00

yesterday was pretty uneventful. lots of baths and wraps.

lots today too. and, if you are wondering about our wraps, here is the deal, briefly.
the whole thing about people with atopic dermatitis (eczema) is that their skin has a problem holding moisture. here is more info if you are interested.
so, one of the ways to get more moisture into the skin is by applying wet wraps, which are used after one has bathed for 20 minutes, just to the point where the skin is thoroughly wet/soaked/slightly saturated but not too much. within three minutes steroids or thick ointments are slathered on, followed by wet tube socks on legs and arms, followed by a pair of wet pajamas, and lastly, a pair of dry clothes.
we have been doing this most of the summer with no signs of improvement. however we kept doing them at night because we found samuel would sleep better with them on. seems the wet suppresses the itch that kicks in at night when cortisol levels are low, etc. and of course it's impossible to scratch with layers of tube socks on your hands.
it seems we are like 1 in a million who do not see signs of improvement...and the docs here keep saying that it will work...so we keep going. he has certainly been less itchy, hardly itchy at all, so that is progress.

the big thing today is that they did a scratch test for food allergens. we've had them done annually in the past. they are helpful in trying to figure out allergens, but not always accurate. lots of false positives. there are (mainly) three other ways to determine what you are allergic to. 1--RAST test, which is a blood test. these render lots of false positives and therefore can be very misleading. lots of people have these done, and concur they are allergic to all the positives, wasting lots of time, energy, money, and let's face it, joy, avoiding those foods, when really they were simply false positives. 2--a puddle test...which is a type of skin test were fresh food is mixed with saline and used. 3--and finally, the only way to really know what one is allergic to is by eating the food. we have done most of the above before (even if by accidental ingestion).

so today we did step one of the equation. after looking at samuel's history, the doc wanted to test 28 foods. i didn't know what foods were being tested until it was happening. they tested many i did not understand and left out several that i really want them to test, so, it is my hope those will be tested in the next few days.

by the way, my goal in making this trip is to see if there are any (eczema) triggers that we are missing. particularly, i felt there might be a food i was missing that though he might not be highly allergic to, perhaps enough to cause his skin to keep flaring severely. so, these tests are big.

i don't know the exact results, but i know that peanut, milk, and egg were high positives (no surprise here). also soy (also no surprise since we have had anaphylaxis with), yet the wheal on his skin was much smaller than PN, M and E. beef---which i really knew in my gut (okay, and he has tested positive to it several times). other positives---green pea (which we have a history of problems with so if true no surprise)...and mostly a bunch of tree nuts.

there is one main allergen i left out...that was a very small positive. but, small enough that if the blood and puddle tests are also low, we might challenge it towards the end of our time here. i will not mention what it is, i will only say that this would be amazing news. and, i will keep you posted.

but again, adding foods isn't our goal. but would be nice if we discovered he'd outgrown something, of course.

we left today just before 5, the earliest yet. were able to get "home", play with friends and just be normal. it was fabulous. btw---i haven't yet even mentioned how very fortunate we have been to stay with sara and jess bartley, who live in the most adorable bungalow on a very charming street, just 8 very short blocks away. MUCH more on this later.

in closing, i will say that, Lord willing, david and eli will fly out in the morning to be with us! we are excited. david will be able to go with me to some important meetings with the team of doctors that have been working with us, and, be here for his skin testing of environmental allergies. they will be here until tuesday! we hope to have a mini-vacation this weekend, enjoying all this mountainous beauty.

and, here are two other pics from the day.

we are here, day 1

2011-09-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

first of all, my shift key doesn't work---so nothing capatalized here.

we had a good day. pretty long. checked in at 8am and they couldn't get to samuel's bath until 7:30pm, which meant bedtime was about 10 pm according to his body that is making the time switch.

we saw lots of doctors.

and honestly, i keep trying to decide what to write and i just can't.

i will load a few pics of sam.

the main thing on my mind as i am going to bed, strangely enough, is not even about my child who is asleep in the bed next to me (we spend the first night in the hospital). i cannot stop thinking about the teenagers i have seen here. i don't know how to put it in words...it seems too sensitive/sacred to mention. i just feel intensely for them as i know their allergies, eczema, and maybe asthma has really affected them mentally over the years...which is quite the norm for such kids as they grow older. adorable kids that...are having quite a hard time.

please, if you know a teen with health issues that have seriously affected their daily lives, please be kind and sensitive. i've overhead a few stories today and looked into some sad eyes and want to help.

but for now, here is samuel.

on the plane. loving it.

in his bath. starting tomorrow he will have three a day, tapering off over time.

mummified (this is to help his skin absorb as much moisture as possible post bath. under blankets is sweatsuit. under that are wet pjs. under that are wet tube socks on arms and legs. we call them jedi wraps, coined by daddy.

headed for sleep. in bed watching monsters inc.

Denver Here We Come!

2011-09-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

We leave in about 36 hours. At this point I have no doubt that we are supposed to go. I am so excited and even humbled that we will be under the care of many brilliant people, in the area of our very specific needs. So glad that I will not be in charge for two weeks.

Part of the reason I decided to blog again is because I want to share our journey. I love stories, particularly true ones, about people. I think stories have so much power. They can teach us very important things about ourselves and the world in ways that mere fact and fiction can't. While doing so they are known to encourage, inspire, convict, and produce great interest/empathy for those unlike ourselves. They can bring you to your knees in laughter or pain.

In sharing our story I hope to do a few things: update family and friends/people who I know are interested. Secondly, I have a passion to educate, encourage and advocate for those who are trying to figure out their child's (or friend or family member's) food allergies. At the same time, I know that most people do not understand these things. Sometimes that shows itself in curious, kind ways and sometimes such inexperience can be downright mean. Usually it's somewhere in the middle. I have grown somewhat okay with all the above, as I try to remind myself that the meanies simply cannot comprehend. I might be the same way were it not for having S. And, I want to be okay with that. Just don't be mean to my kid.

With that said, regardless of who you are, you are welcome to come with us on our journey. It is quite rocky and not so pretty at times. We often perform well, but most of the time we are a mess. For the most part, we no longer pretend to be something other than what we really are. We are Christians who both desperately treasure the Gospel of Jesus, and yet struggle to love, believe, and hope in almost every area of our lives.

Another purpose in me blogging is to ask readers to pray for us. I have two specific prayers right now:

1. Samuel is officially off antihistimines until at least Tuesday per doctor's orders (he has to be for his initial allergy testing). We have (David and myself) no expectations of sleeping between now and then bc that is the best way to cope with being up hour upon hour with a child who is miserably itchy through the night. We pray that Samuel will get as much rest as possible, and, us too.
2. We had someone pray for us the other night, "Lord, give them answers, but if not, give them faith." I think that is going to be my prayer through this whole experience in Denver, which such surrender is rare for me. I am not there yet though, yet praying to pray that!

----------------------
So I wrote the above post while David and Samuel were at the movies watching Lion King. Since then we have had baths, gotten both boys to bed...but it seems S is sick. Symptoms point to stomach virus. So, now we pray that it is short-lived and we are able to board that plane on Monday.

We Have a Date

2011-09-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

We are leaving Monday, the 26th of this month and come back 15 days later. My biggest thought right now is, how in the world can I be away from Eli that long? How can he and Samuel be apart that long? They even miss one another sometimes when Eli naps. They are together all the time--they eat all meals together, take baths together, ride next to one another in the car, they even sleep together at night.

But we are thankful that we are able to go. I feel mostly hopeful that the doctors and nurses will be able to help Samuel.

Red Flag Removed

2011-08-31T23:34:00.000-07:00

Something amazing happened today. I feel I need to get out my notes from seminary re: modern day miracles, to understand them theologically. But, it really doesn't even matter, because I believe God intervened dramatically today.
Long story short: insurance carrier is now telling us that they see no problem with our policy and the hospital's billing...after they were adamant before that we would incur this fee, costing mot likely around $8K.

Praise to God, who heard the cry of my heart, and the prayers of close friends and family. And, thanksgiving to Him who loves little Samuel even more than we do. I often struggle with doubt in his goodness and his activity in our lives, and feel grateful to have seen Him work this one out. I hope I don't forget this.

Red Flag

2011-08-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

I am not articulate. I am tired and sad. And, I still must make myself go put away dirty dishes and pick up toys. But, for all three of you that are reading my blog, I felt I had to share the news I received today.

A major problem with insurance! I was scared to hope that we could actually go and be helped by those at NJ, but did not think it would be an insurance issue. I thought we had already covered those bases and had green lights. But, it seems that there is some code that Samuel's insurance will not cover. Regarding the billing of the actual facility---rooms, equipment, etc. He will be billed as outpatient, yet because he would be in the hospital all day/every day there is a charge re: the physical property, which, his insurance won't pay. Which would mean $6-9K out of pocket. Yikes.

I really do not know what to think. There is a part of me that still hopes. I think that's because I know he must go. I cannot keep putting these intense steroids on him, wet wraps at night and sometimes during the day, doing 20 other intense things...AND it not even seeming to help. When we go out of the house he usually wears pants so much of his flares are covered. But if I let him wear shorts, as I did today, people stop and gawk. We have had four people ask HIM what is wrong in the past couple of days. Most ask if he has chicken pox. I am sad, because he has noticed, for the first time, that others see a problem with his physical appearance. Lord, please do not let such comments and stares wound his heart in damaging ways. I know, I know, there are much worse physical conditions. But I have been aware that he notices that his body is not attractive, even strange, perhaps even ugly. He feels shamed. Dagger in my heart. This is why I haven't posted any pictures. I just feel I want to protect him.

I want to write a poem, or something about the experience we had driving home from a birthday party the other day. I really want to skip the details of the party...except the last one. As we were leaving he had a major itch attack and I had to carry him out. He screamed and cried and before I knew it, he had blood all over his legs and feet. When he finally settled down five minutes later, I turned around to look at him---I was overwhelmed by his adorable, yet exhausted face resting on his carseat. I mostly noticed his bright, blue eyes which seemed to be telling me something. Suffice it to say, it was a bit more than I could handle. The Mama Bear in me not only collapses with grief and compassion, but at the same time harnesses a vigilance that promises to help him.

Not sure I can help.

I want to write more later about what God is teaching me right now re: my powerlessness. Too late now.

Something Wonderful

2011-08-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

...is in the works. My pessimism tells me I ought not share it...as nothing is official yet. Quiet, sober, doubtful---so as to be less dissapointed later on...

But, as a fervent lover of hope, despite being a nominal believer of it's existence, here it is:

In the near future Samuel and I might board a plane. I will likely look haggard; Samuel will likely look like he has leprosy (due to the absence of all steroids and antihistimines the four days prior). And, as if magically, we will be transported to a place where a team of amazing people will care about him and know him by name. They will also be brilliant doctors who have the potential to truly heal his little, exhausted body.

I could go on in this fashion for awhile, but sparing you the drama, we are waiting to find out when (and if) we will be scheduled to go to National Jewish Health in Denver.

David and I have put up our white flags...we are not able to help him. Lord knows we have tried. As has our pediatrician, allergist, and dermatologist. Nothing short of a happy dose of Prednisone will do the trick. Sadly, that is a med that can't be rubbed into his inflamed skin, nor taken more than once or twice a year.

If you saw him today, you might not notice. He had on long linen pants, socks under his Keens, shirt tucked in. But even me, while bathing him tonight, almost had to look away when I caught a glimpse of his backside. He was screaming/crying because he was both itchy and hurting. He was frustrated because I kept trying to distract his mind and hands from scratching while I started to put on his wet wraps.

So, for now we are done with restricting foods like white potato, tomato, and strawberries for weeks at a time hoping to find the culprit. I am now quietening all those voices in my head that say "aha, perhaps it is this damn front-load washing machine that harbors so much mold", or "oh, maybe those new vitamins were somehow cross-contaminated with one of his allergens in the factory and THAT is it!" Done. I can't do it. I would if it were possible, but I simply cannot heal him. I know that now.

The average stay is two weeks. He will specifically be treated for his eczema while searching for the trigger. Therefore, there will be lots and lots of work done in regard to his food allergies. I feel strongly that we are missing something. A grown allergy to something like sesame, corn, or oat? Perhaps I have underestimated his dust mite allergy, and rather than sleeping on a bed at night we ought buy a cute leather couch for his room. Anyway, like I said, I am trying to put the detective Mama away and just try to love him well with all that can be known today. Leaving the detective/doctor/Debbie-downer up to the Big Dogs in Denver.

For Mimi, Happy Birthday!

2011-05-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

Looks like it has been 17 months since my last post. Our blog has certainly taken a backseat. And I am doing so now to have an easy way to post this video of my mom. It isn't even a great, or even good video...but it is the best we could do in the moment. And Mom, I think you will appreciate--in some capacity---how raw it is. Love you.

Pics for Daddy

2009-10-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well...obviously much has changed since our last post...
Eli is obviously here (Elijah August Simmons). For those who do not know, he came on 9-9-2009, weighing 7.6, 20 inches long. We are all doing pretty well and loving the new addition. Samuel had a hard first couple of days home, but now seems to love Eli for the most part. The pictures below are a little random, and mainly from the past couple of days, but wanted to post them for David, who is out of town and would love a visual update.

2009-10-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

SAM'S ABC TRAINING

2009-09-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

2009-07-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Taken a couple of weeks ago, I think about 28 wks.

Samuel on the carousel...he isn't sure what to think.

Sam's Little Brother - Coming in September

2009-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sam's First Haircut

2009-06-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

I Love my Mama!

First cut is the deepest

Please disperse, there is nothing to see here

Halftime Break: Dum Dums!!!

Dum Dums are beginning to wear off

All Hades Breaks Loose

Ahh, Reward = rejuvenation by a refreshing fountain

Hit the dance floor, John Travolta

Bad Parenting and Grace, Part Two

2009-04-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

24 hours later. Just a hint of what happened yesterday remains.

I am tired, need to go to bed, but also feel the need to communicate what happened in our lives today. Long story short, this morning we took Samuel to the ER because he was having trouble breathing after drinking soymilk that I accidentally gave him. The whole thing was really scary, but he seems to be okay now.
Having a child with food allergies is so mind-boggling and scary. I am very diligent, always so careful what he puts in his mouth and touches, and yet, somehow I picked up soymilk instead of his usual ricemilk from Whole Foods last night. The packaging looks identical except the obvious labeling. On top of that, after he started reacting, for some reason I was so confused and didn't trust myself...and did not give him the Epi-pen when I should have. I was afraid to give it to him, to be honest. Fortunately, God was gracious. I am so thankful that we live less than 3 miles from a hospital, David was home due to it being Good Friday, and everything else that transpired served my little man. After a couple of powerful shots, he was breathing fine despite his little body looking like a burn victim.
Despite being thankful, I also just feel sad and worn out by it all. He is allergic to all the top 8 allergens (milk, eggs, nuts (peanut and tree), wheat, soy, and fish(shellfish and other). His blood and scratch tests indicate that soy is one of the least of his concerns...and we had anaphalaxis to THAT! So I just feel sad at the severity of his allergies. Praying they go away. Until then, just glad he is sleeping soundly in the next room.

Finally! Some New Pictures!

2009-03-17T21:16:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, Ashley is usually the one who updates our blog. Well.... a lot has happen in the last 2 months. For starters .... we are pregnant! Well, Ashley's pregnant. (12 weeks now to be precise) Wow! We couldn't be more excited. More to come soon. In the meantime, here are some new pictures of Samuel.

Bad Parenting and Grace

2008-12-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

Samuel went to the doctor on Tuesday to discover two ear infections, but we were thankful to have found them early and now he seems hardly bothered by them. Also this week we have discovered that he can reach things much better than we thought.

He pulled my (cold) coffee from the table and poured a bit on himself. I didn't think much of it, was just glad it wasn't hot. Twenty minutes later he was covered in whelps on his neck and chest where the coffee touched his skin(from the small amount of creamer--yes dairy, but mainly soybean and cottonseed oil we think). We gave him a bath, hydrocortisone, and lots of Benadryl and he was okay.

Then this morning he drank an entire bottle of Motrin. Just a few hours earlier (at 6 am) I was bugged by David for having bought such a small bottle (which I absent-mindedly left opened on his dresser after giving to him). Samuel walked in the room where David and I were, very proudly, with the bottle turned upside down in his mouth. Ugh! Poison control said he would be okay and I was quickly glad that David had bought the little bottle.

We also discovered dum-dums this week. Samuel's new love! He woke up from a nap really hurting, so I gave him Tylenol and while we waited for it to do its job, I gave him a dum-dum. He mauled that thing for 15 minutes, no more tears or fussing, just pure bliss. He slobbered so much that I had to change his clothes afterwards.
The dum-dum. Note the slobber dripping from his left elbow.

After the Motrin episode the three of us went to the Peabody, thinking it would be fun to see the Christmas lights and the ducks. The bottom picture shows how restless Samuel was, he was slinking out of the chair as fast as possible.

Cute picture with my mom at Thanksgiving.

Shopping for lights

Good Video About Food Allergies

2008-12-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

I often read blogs dedicated to food allergies, written by mamas whose children have them. I am not at the place where I want create my own despite how helpful theirs are to me. However, I do want to occasionally share about Samuel's food allergies. They are a constant concern of David and mine. I never knew how all-encompassing a food allergy could be, much less the many that Samuel has. I think this video does a good job at communicating some of their basics. Thought you might be interested as I find that I have the desire to educate others in hopes of protecting children with food allergies.

Early November

2008-11-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

Halloween

2008-11-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

More Birthday Pics

2008-10-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

2008-10-13T12:49:00.001-07:00

I am trapped in our bedroom while Samuel is trying to get to sleep in the closet (yes, for those of you who did not know that is where he is living these days). Anyway, here are a few random pics from S's party. My nephew took much better ones which I will soon add.
Like father like son. We found a cake mix that was free of everything that Samuel is allergic to. Not quite delicious, but we think Samuel liked it.

So, trying to feed him dinner of avocado afterwards wasn't that easy. Notice how cute this outfit is. Niki made it for him; she is amazing.

Typical Emma and Samuel pics.

Happy Birthday Samuel

2008-10-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today Samuel and I met Natalie and Truman at a bookstore. It was nice to hold her tiny five-week-old as it reminded me of what life was like a year ago, and the months in between then and now.

366 days and 27 hours (of labor) ago, Samuel was born. Of course our lives quickly changed in ways we never could have imagined. It would sound sweet to say that I love him more than I imagined, but that is not true. Almost from the beginning I felt very deeply for this little man that was growing inside me and have never felt otherwise. I am thankful for this as I know it is an unusual gift of God’s grace.

I always wondered if, though I married late and subsequently had a baby later than most, I was made to be a mom. So much of childrearing is right up my alley. However, I have been surprised at how much I fail and feel awkward and ill equipped. As is typical, I have longed to be less regimented and more laid back, as I now believe the best moms are. From the very beginning my type-a personality fought to take away my joy. I spent my entire maternity leave—through tears and on my knees—looking for a way not to go back to work. I unproductively worried about sleep schedules, reflux, food allergies, and how being this kind of parent negatively affected my relationship with David…just to name a few.

And Samuel has grown into a beautiful little man in spite of myself. He is sweet and fun and always makes me proud. (Unless of course I count the many times I allow myself to wake up each night with him, despite his age and weight.) Today it has been nice to quietly celebrate God’s endurance and kindness to our small family. There is a lot to say, but at the moment all is inarticulate. So I will leave you with a few pictures. We are having a little party on Saturday, but he opened a few presents today.

This was taken early this morning when Emma gave Samuel her gift--a a baby doll, which David is really excited about.

This is actually from a week ago, but I thought it was cute. Playing on the trampoline.

Random Pictures

2008-09-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

Well, we have been in Memphis for almost two months. We HAVE actually taken some great pictures of our life here...but I have not posted any because of computer/camera complications. David left his laptop home today, however, where a few random ones are stored. So, I am posting those.

this is samuel in his new little home, our closet! he was being very silly and making me laugh terribly (terribly since it was bedtime.) since this picture was taken he has chewed the paint and some wood off this part of the crib. he is totally obsessed with putting things in his mouth and chewing what he can.

this picture and the one below were taken during samuel's nightly routine--dinner, bath, playing with family (niki in this case), etc.

this was taken last month before taylor moved to knoxville to start school. samuel loves him.

this is a very common sight here...emma holding samuel. she is a great niece.

cute picture taken in jackson.

I Want to be a Pilot

2008-08-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

My sister's homepage has featured You Tube vidoes daily, and today, for the first time I clicked on the one below. It was filmed in the Kibera slums of Nairobi (home to over 1 million people)--a place I once spent some time. It is a pretty depressing place and reminded me tonight, as it once did in a more physical way, of what a rich life I live, despite most of the time not realizing it, like today when I was simply feeling "bored". Thought I would share it.
YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

Bigger News

2008-08-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

We have been in Memphis now for a little over two weeks. We put our things in storage and have moved in with my sister and her family. (They have been very gracious to let us stay here while David looks for a job and until we find a place of our own). It's been great. We feel welcome here and it has been really fun to be around them. It is a bit of culture shock for Samuel, who is constantly being loved on and held by Emma and Niki and often by Taylor and Ron. I have been able to leave to run errands (while Niki stays home with him) and David and I have gone out a couple of times at night. Niki and I take turns cooking (though she cooks more often and better than me)...all the benefits people have of living with extended families.

The big news is that my husband has a job. In fact, he started yesterday! Though we both feel extremely thankful for it, I don't think we really "get" how gracious God has been to us as it all still feels unreal (much like our move here). He is working with Third Millineum Ministries. There is a link to the right, but basically what they do is create theological material (both lectures on video and printed text) in English, Spanish, Russian, Mandarin, and Arabic (the five languages most spoken in the world). Richard Pratt's (the founder) conviction is that (as the Christian church is growing rapidly in many countries outside the U.S.) over two million pastors do not have any theological training, which is crucial to the church's health and endurance. It is a very needed ministry and one that David and I are both excited about. David's job is to network with churches/individuals, letting them know about the ministry and get them on board to partner with them. Essentially he is a fund-raiser, which is important since the education is free to those who use it, but costs a great deal to produce and get into their hands. I am certain I am doing a poor job at explaining this ministry...just check out the website.

Thank all of you who prayed for David to find a job. I remember, as I was praying one day many weeks ago, thinking of the verse that talks about how God is able to do more than we are able to think or imagine...I found myself hoping that he might let this verse be descriptive of David's job hunt. Being very pessimistic, I told myself not to hope for such a thing..."any job will do at this point" is how I remember feeling. I see now that I was wrong and untrusting as God has in fact given David a job that is perfect for him and our situation right now. Truly far more than either of us could have hoped. Please be encouraged by God's provision for us, as you also come across difficult situations.

Who Are You Voting For?

2008-07-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

Funny Little Man

2008-07-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Big News

2008-07-11T20:28:00.001-07:00

Well, long-story-short, we are moving to Memphis in about two weeks. Yes, two weeks. This is something we have been contemplating for some time now, but just recently has seemed to make enough sense for us to actually go through with it.

We can't tell you many more details because so much is unknown even to us. We feel that God is not leading David to vocational ministry right now, so as David has been looking for work, it has just seemed to make sense that we head south. For those of you who do not understand the Memphis connection, it is mainly to do with the fact that my sister and her family are there, along with some incredible friends of both mine and David. And we are looking forward to being five hours closer to our parents which will be nice for many reasons.

Please pray for us. We are looking forward to this new chapter in our lives, but it is not without some anxiety. It is not an easy thing to know (in our mid-thirties) we have obtained an MDiv (and plenty of student loan debt!) and not feel that we are being led to do ministry. Which, brings many questions in and of itself. Pray David will find a job, maybe even one he can enjoy. Pray that God would graciously allow this next chapter in our lives to be good---rich and deep for our little family and that it would reveal His plan for us.

We will miss St. Louis. I will write more about that later, but for now just wanted to (finally) put the news on our blog.

Here are some fun pictures we took last weekend that illustrate one example of things we will miss here in St. Louis...Tower Grove Park.

Samuel recently loves to swing.

And we have discovered the fountains.

2008-07-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

Tired, hot, happy, and ready for home.

As soon as Daddy finishes running.

Lately

2008-07-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I said I was finally going to go to bed early, and somehow I have just spent time uploading these pictures...

Up way too early one morning.

Samuel isn't tired, however. Wish I could have said the same.

Love listening to Daddy sing and play for me.

Dinner tonight...avocado and bananas!

2008-07-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

Cutest little (?) legs!

Papa Simmons and Mimi Debbie in town! Love those glasses!

Not much longer will I have this St. Louis Public Schools Badge.

How I look most every day post-nap...adorable.

2008-07-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Been wanting to take a picture with the Dallas Cowboys outfit my brother gave Samuel.

Having a lot of fun playing in the laundry basket...

Until...

Mama wasn't being very careful...

And as you can see I fell to the floor about half a second after this picture was taken.

Baptism

2008-06-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

May 19, 2008
South City Church, PCA
I LOVE THESE PICTURES!

Pastor Jay Simmons explaining to Samuel what is taking place in his heart. We do not believe his baptism actually produces salvation, but rather it is a sign and symbol of Samuel joining the covenant community with the promise of God's graces surrounding his life.

Mama reading Zephaniah 3:17. We pray that Samuel always knows his Father loves and cares for him in this way.
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Dad explaining why we chose this verse.

2008-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

We were glad that our good friends, Eric and Jamie had their daughter, Lilly, baptized at the same time.

Some friends Ashley teaches with came to see Samuel. (Amela and her daughter Selma, and Molly.

David Graduates from Covenant Seminary

2008-06-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Samuel didn't get to go see Dad graduate (way past his bedtime) but loved the tassles on his cap and felt proud of him!

2008-06-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

with Dr. Peterson, a favorite professor

with my Mom and Aunt Bobbie

Dad and Angela

2008-06-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

in line ready to walk

with some friends from Auburn days

with Carol

a favorite professor, Jerram Barrs

with Seima

It is Official

2008-06-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

We have so many pictures to upload from graduation, Samuel's baptistm, etc...but we just have not gotten around to it.

Rather, I want to share the latest news...Samuel officially has food allergies. As far as I can interpret (we still need to meet with the allergist again), this is the real deal. They tested 15 foods, 10 of which he is allergic to. I have "known" for months that egg and soy (and probably dairy) were a problem, but had no idea he would be allergic to peanut(ugh), wheat, meat, etc. So, David and I are going to become those parents. The ones who carry epi pens and scare (or annoy) every teacher, nursery worker, or friend's mom by communicating that they have to be vigilent when we leave the room. No more restaurants (as far as I can tell or imagine). Goodbye Aldi, hello Whole Foods. Even this morning in church I realized that unless things change, he might not be able to take communion. I am sure there are lots of weird things like that. We need to test him for lots more to see what else to avoid without having too many instances of learning the hard way.

Of course we will pray he outgrows them, which he has a good chance of doing, except for the peanut. Until then I am going to figure it out, learn how to be a creative meal planner, and make friends with other mama's of children who have food allergies. I know it could be much worse, as I hear about and see other children with more serious medical issues, but, I am sad for him. And, to be honest, for David and me. We love food. I love to cook and celebrate, socialize, and comfort with food. I love to explore other cultures through food---the list goes on. These are things that I had actually imagined sharing with Samuel. But perhaps Samuel will teach us how to dig deeper to express and explore such things in a more meaningful way we had never imagined.

Sam the Worm

2008-05-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Nashville

2008-05-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of weekends ago we went to Nashville. David, his brother Worth and cousin Grace ran the half marathon. It ended up being a bit of a family reunion (sorry Fudgie) as Worth's family, Grace's mom Laura, and David's mom came too. It was a lot of fun. They did a great job in the race too. It was the first time for Samuel to meet his cute cousins.

Luke and Samuel

Ben

Random pic showing off Samuel's new teeth

How most of his time is spent...with something in his mouth

Rachel, Davis, and Campbell

2008-04-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

Please pray for this little family who just lost their husband and father. Please go to the link to the right "Tony and Melissa Woodruff" for more information. Melissa just got back from the funeral, and after talking with her I feel things in my life have been put into much more perspective.

Toddler Carseats...Advice?

2008-04-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

It's time for us to get a bigger car seat. We went to the doctor today and Samuel is 20.4 pounds and almost 28 inches long. He is a big boy. We have several road trips in the next couple of months and know we need to figure out which one to buy. I don't know lots about these, but have been told that Britax is the brand to buy, and, considering his size we should get the Marathon. My question is: Will it fit in our cars? We have a 2001 Subaru Forester and a 2000 VW Jetta. Does anyone know? You would think there would be a chart someone on the Internet that would provide that kind of info...but I am yet to find it.

On another note, we are doing well. David is spending all his time writing papers, reading, studying, and finishing other assignments that are due on May 1. It is weird to think that after that we will be finished at Covenant...more on that later.

I took the day off to take Samuel to get his shot. Sounds incorrect, like I should say "his shots", but that is not what we get. We get one. We got one...the DTaP. (We are on a delayed schedule.) My doctor called it the DTP several times and I had to correct him as if making sure we are not getting the older (and potentially harmful) version, though I knew that was not the case. I have been worried over these shots and the possible effects they could have on Samuel. I felt/feel particularly concerned because I believe his little body is very sensitive to things...for example his food allergies. However I know he needs them. And, I was comforted on my way to the doctor, by the fact that God really is sovereign. That sounds simple, but I felt this in a rather profound way that made a difference in my heart. So, he got the shot...that brave little man did not even flinch, much less cry. And, we have had a great afternoon since, praise God as such things ought not be taken for granted.

I also had an interesting exchange with the doctor about my anxieties for him in general. I told him that I know I worry too much, and that I know this is not good and even unhealthy for him and me and that I am working on it. He told me that I made his day because he sees moms like me everyday who have all the anxiety but none of the conviction that it is something that needs to be let go of to some degree. I asked him how it is possible to not be aware of such things, but then knew the answer as I was once probably far more unaware of my self then they. There is something good about knowing you are broken and in need of help, opposed to ploughing through life like all is okay, all the while haphazardly hurting people (like little Samuel) by your blindness.

Weaning

2008-04-05T11:04:00.001-07:00

I have never liked this word; I'm not sure why. It feels strange rolling off my lips and connotes something strange, though exactly what has always been ambiguous to me until now.

If you have read previous posts, you know that we have recently started giving Samuel solids. As of this morning he has had rice cereal, sweet potatoes and squash. So far so good and fun.

As I have been reading to try to figure out this whole solids thing, which has been rather intimidating, I continue to see the word weaning, used where I prefer to see something like starting/feeding solids or feeding infants. Even manufacturers use it to describe bowls and spoons. I have a problem with this word because it seems to communicate something like "the process of your child going from breastfeeding to real food has begun, and, hallelujah that will be soon." It just feels negative to me. Seems urgent even. I think I am overreacting. Definitely I have noticed some unhealthy mothering patterns whereby I like being needed by Samuel and am a bit too zealous to be the perfect mom (which has turned out to be so not the case)...so maybe that is what this is about. I should be happy that Samuel will soon no longer need me for his survival in such a dramatic way. I should be thankful that for six months God has seemingly-miraculously enabled my body to meet all his dietary needs. I should be happy that the process of him eating solids means that one day soon I can finally eat all the foods I miss (since I avoid them now because of his allergies). These things are good, I know. I just wish the authors of these books would choose a more gentle-sounding verb for mothers like me who are a bit too attached (for lack of a better word). Has anyone else had this experience?
__________________________________________
Okay, after posting this, I have been thinking...perhaps I would not feel so passsionate about this where I at home, with Samuel, all day. Maybe it is a particular struggle of working moms?

BIBS

2008-04-03T09:25:00.001-07:00

a couple more pics

2008-03-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

Someone to share Daddy's love of sweater vests.

FINALLY FOOD!

2008-03-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

My sister and Emma pulled up Friday afternoon with a car full of goodies for Samuel. Of particular interest were the bowls, spoons, bibs (one that says I Love My Aunt), and lots of baby food. It was a subtle hint that we would be feeding him solids for the first time. As with other milestones, I was glad to have Niki here to help me know how to do this thing that feels foreign to me. He did a great job. He loved rice cereal and ate as if he had been eating for weeks. My parents would say that is because he has been wanting to eat for weeks!

This picture does a good job illustrating how much of our time was spent...Emma could not get enough of her little cousin.

Easter Weekend

2008-03-28T07:26:00.001-07:00

Our Trip to Asheville

2008-03-25T18:02:00.000-07:00

It was great to be back in Asheville to see old friends and faces. This one of David's favorite places to visit. It is surrounded by so much beauty and nature. By the way, Samuel got to fly for the first time. He was so well behaved that the pilot let him see the cockpit.

Two Great Videos

2008-03-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Loved

2008-03-09T12:45:00.001-07:00

I bought this shirt for Samuel several months before he was born. When I saw it in the store there was no question that I would buy it for him. I brought it home, hung it in his room, and looked at it often. I knew then that if there were one word that could describe him it would be "loved". Even then David and I felt tremendous love for this growing baby inside me, how much more today. It also communicates my favorite theological idea...that we are loved by God in spite of ourselves. Perhaps I should have taken his picture when he was covered in spit up moments later to better communicate God's love for us.

David says that there aren't pictures of me on our blog. I take most of the pictures, so there are not too many to post. However, just this morning, as I had recently woken and was getting coffee, he took this one because he said Samuel would like these types of "real life" pictures. If he ever does see this picture I will tell him that he had woken me THREE times the night before, hence him on my hip at the coffee pot...certainly real life.

Snow Day

2008-03-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

St. Louis got 8-12 inches of snow yesterday morning, giving me two days off from school and enabling me to be home with my men.
We did not do anything too special, just lots of playing and catching up on a few things.
David and Samuel do this really cute thing that involves him being on David's shoulders. Today Samuel gave him a little surprise; I had the camera close by and could not resist.
We both were able to take Samuel to get his first shots today (yes, at 5 months!) and he did a great job! He cried for about 5 seconds. It hurt us more than him no doubt. Also, he now weighs 18.2 pounds...he is huge. He will be 5 months old on Saturday.

Why Presbyterians Sprinkle

2008-03-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

2008-03-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

serious young man

love my turtle

gloves to protect my handsome face!

finding my feet and toes

so happy with daddy

happy with daddy

Creation is Groaning...

2008-02-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

This is what I used to say when life seemed hard, not unlike now. It's been about a month since we have posted. Since then we have moved to the apartment above us; painfully discovered Samuel has food allergies and hence I have been working like crazy to find food that I can eat (since he breastfeeds); begun to grieve my grandmother's death/driven 24 hours to her funeral in Texas; and now Samuel and David have the flu. Samuel was diagnosed Tuesday night in the ER, David two days ago. David is fine, he is taking strong medicine and feels almost himself again. I wish I could say the same for Samuel. Of course he can only take Tylenol. It is killing me to see him hurting. Today his congestion really increased and he can barely even cry as his voice is so hoarse. I know that he and I will be up most of the night trying to find a way for him to feel better long enough to get back to sleep. I know all this will pass, but I hate it!

My grandmother, Mary Jane Vititow died about two weeks ago at 80. She had been in a lot of pain for the last decade, and knowing she was a believer, I am so thankful that she knows nothing of that now. In fact, as I think of the verse I loosely quoted above, it reminds me of the fact that her life right now is very different than mine. She no longer groans or has to hope for anything. Her hope is realized as she is in the presence of God. It is hard, however, to let her go. She was a neat lady. She was little, sassy, and a lot of fun. She was widowed 28 years ago and never remarried. She loved to play bridge with her friends. She made wonderful green pea salad, drank coke from glass bottles, and she called my her angel. We miss her.

2008-01-20T17:59:00.000-08:00

And, here is one from late last night when Samuel woke up randomly. He was so happy and alert that David insisted on us playing with him for a minute. I think he looks a lot like David in this picture.

Dad and Debbie Come to Town

2008-01-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

David's Dad and Stepmom left today after a really great visit that went by way too fast, which is the problem with living so far away from our families. Tonight I find myself wishing we were closer geographically as our families are all in Mississippi, Tennesse and Arkansas (except D's sister Betsey who is in LA).

New Favorites

2008-01-16T22:27:00.001-08:00

My Buddy and Me

No Daddy! Use this cable!

Fun on the Macbook

2008-01-16T22:20:00.001-08:00

Greetings Earthlings!

Wonder Twin Powers............ Activate!

Just an Update

2008-01-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

Like Father Like Son

Anyone know why Samuel has been doing this lately? He arches his back with great enthusiasm and pushes his face into the bed. Even when he wakes upset and I come in the room he stays seemingly stuck in this position without turning to see me. It is strange. I think it could be that he is learning how to roll over and has discovered that it feels good to tense his muscles up like that???

A reinactiment from last night. Note the socks on hands (to prevent scratching his face) and the rolled blankets along the edges(to prevent him banging his head). Wow, I am even more of a protective mom than I thought.

Great news...yesterday Samuel took TWO naps that were both 1.5 hours! We were so proud of him as he hasn't done this since his first month of life.

He is becoming increasingly mobile in his crib. Last night he let out a yell about 10:00. When we got to his room we discovered he had placed himself at the head of the bed, completely perpindicularly. We don't know how he did it as his body (we now know) is the exact length of the width of his crib. He's also woken himself many times lately with his head banged up against the corner railings. As a result we bought bumper pads yesterday. I feel really rebellious using them as they are so controversial right now. But, we think it is the right choice.

As if we do not already have enough drama in our lives, we are MOVING to the unit above us. We love our apartment, but have recently realized how fortunate we have been as the two girls who were living above us were hardly ever home. In their last week prior to moving out we were shocked at how loud it can be. A couple of days later our landlord showed the unit to two twenty-something year old guys that looked like they knew how to have a good time, making David and I quite anxious at the prospect of just about anyone living above us, especially someone loud. So, we are moving up their rather than taking that risk. It is not as nice as our unit, but it does have three bedrooms which will make it possible for people to stay with us when they (you) visit. We look forward to the day when we live in a house. No one above us playing loud music at 2 a.m., no odd colors on the wall, unless we want it that way, and no Bosnian boys playing soccer in our front yard while loudly practicing their favorite English curse words.

Samuel will be three months old on the 8th! We have really seen him mature lately via his facial and vocal expressions and interest in the things around him. He has just recently settled on his favorite self-soothing mechanism: sucking his hands (or fingers when his crazy mama doesn't have socks on his hands). This is an answer to prayer as I prayed he would "find his fingers". At his last doctor's appointment he was in the 90% percentile for both height and weight. David and I cannot believe how good-natured he is, how in love with him we both are, and how fortuante we are to be his parents.

Calling All Mamas (and Papas)--Sleep Questions

2007-12-27T14:46:00.001-08:00

Just wondering about infants' sleep. I have read a couple of books, talked to my doctor, and scoured the Internet, but still have lots of unanswered questions regarding sleep. Samuel sleeps really well at night (like 10-13 hours; he does wake up once or twice to eat), but is not a good napper. He takes 30-45 minute naps, occasionally a bit longer. There are days when he hardly sleeps at all. I feel bad when I try to "force" him to sleep more, and bad when I give in and get him out of his crib after such short naps. Any kind of schedule I try to put him on is thrown off due to him not napping (and his reflux). Lately I have wanted to forget completely about any kind of schedule and just try to take his cues. I know most would say this would not be a good idea. But, I do not know what to do and I am curious about that option. So, I really am wondering about two different things here--no naps/lots of night sleep, and going off any kind of schedule. A few questions: 1. If he is sleeping about 12 hours at night, are the naps all that important? 2. Do/did any of you not follow a schedule, for whatever reason, and how does that work for you and your baby? 3. What time do/did your infant go to sleep at night and wake in the morning? I do not know if anyone will read this post, much less respond, but thought I would see.

The Kite Runner

2007-12-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

Dave and I highly recommend this movie; the best either of us have seen in a long, long time. Very powerful, moving, and redemptive.
http://kiterunnermovie.com

Christmas Pictures

2007-12-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

We stayed in STL this Christmas, mainly because the whole journey south seemed overwhelming to us with Samuel. Also, major news, I started back to work and the thought of spending my week off from teaching with Samuel and David in our little home was comforting to me, after the difficulty of leaving him everyday. More on that later...
We had a good time at the Barclay's for lunch and then came home. Dave and I had high hopes for doing a puzzle, but I felt like I had been run over by a freight train and went to bed too early to mention. Here are a few pics.

2007-12-17T16:35:00.001-08:00

Cutie!

More Pictures

2007-12-14T07:10:00.001-08:00

in the bath with cousin emma

2007-12-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

Last night David, Samuel, and I drove home after spending five days with my sister and her family in Memphis. Ever since then, I have had to work really hard to get Samuel to sleep, in fact he maybe slept 30 minutes today. He has been inconsolable. I think he misses my family already. I feel the same. For five days we had people loving on us, and serving us left and right. It was great. It was also great just to have life around us. People laughing, doorbells ringing, a dog and a cat in the same room. Most days it is just Samuel and I. We have many neighbors who live together as an extended family. I know that situation has its downfalls, but lately it has looked very attractive, especially when the days here are so long, grey, and cold. We did not take many pictures, but here are a few. Oh, David's mom and cousin came up, as well as my mom, which was really good too.

2007-11-29T07:23:00.000-08:00

Click on the link on the right of your screen to see our live action dance!

2007-11-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight we took Samuel to get a tree. I felt like a bad mama for having my baby out in such cold weather and was happy when I saw another stroller with a cute, laid-back mom pushing it. We would have gone Thanksgiving night had David had his way. Not wanting to believe Christmas is just around the corner, I would have prefered to have waited three more weeks before getting one. But, I am tired of being the party pooper, thus this cute picture. We bought colored lights this year opposed to white ones. Neither of us have had these since we were young. We thought they would be cheery and that Samuel would like looking at them.

2007-11-12T07:02:00.000-08:00

Samuel is a Month Old (11-8-07)

2007-11-07T11:31:00.001-08:00

Weight: 11 pounds (85 percentile)
Heigth: still 22 inches (75 percentile)
Eye Color: Still blue
Nicknames: Buddy, Sugar Booger, Baby Eagle, Weasel (because of his efferts to be unswaddled)
Hobbies: Waving arms around slowly and whimsicly, staring at shadows and light
Dislikes: mom "cleaning" his eyes and putting in eyedrops, being swaddled
Accomplishments: Laying on his belly and lifting head 90 degrees, smiling, cutting down to about 17 diapers per day.
What mom likes best: his face (espcially when she goes to feed him in the middle of the night) and his smell
What dad likes best: his eyes, observing him observe what's going on around him
His first prayer requests: He wants you to pray for his reflux! He has some serious vomitting daily. He started taking Zantac today and we are hoping that helps him. He truly gets all anxious and stressed by it and looses his breath. Of course the whole thing makes mom anxious too. Pray the medicine would work and he would quickly outgrow this.

Three Weeks Old Today

2007-10-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

We have not been taking as many pictures lately, but here are a few for now.
The top picture is from last Friday, when Apple started selling their new operating system, which became a family event for us. We stood in a long line for awhile and met a lot of interesting people. Samuel is obviously thrilled.
Bottom pic--the majority of his umbilical cord has fallen out. A sign of his maturity!

MIMI SIMMONS & UNCIE WORTH COME TO TOWN

2007-10-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

Daddy's Study Buddy During Mid-Terms

2007-10-22T16:13:00.001-07:00

It was a great thing to have Daddy home with us, on this gray Monday morning, playing me Bach while he holds me and learns about the Old Testament prophets.

Best Sister, Best Aunt

2007-10-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

I could not have had this baby without the help of my sister. Which, should not come as much of a surprise after she managed to plan my entire wedding two and a half years ago. Similar to the wedding preparation, I called her daily with a question about this or that while pregnant. I am her elder by 11 months, but she knows all about this baby thing. She has just left from her second visit since Samuel was born which adds up to about twenty hours in the car coming from Memphis. While here she shopped, cooked, cleaned, consoled, laughed and cried with me, woke up with me, ran errands for and with me, and much more. At one point I had to tell her not to vacuum the dust bunnies that are hiding under my bed, nor sew up the hole that is already in one of Samuel's sheets. I do love that when she left my house was clean, laundry done, and my fridge full of goodies, but really it was just good to have her here. Thanks Nik.

First Bath, First Doctor Visit

2007-10-17T12:02:00.001-07:00

So yes, I am a bit behind in the bathing area. My son went 8 days without a proper (sponge) bath and hair washing. I was waiting on Niki to arrive and help me. She is so good and confident with that kind of thing. He loved it and has had another since his first.

Today we went to the doctor, and, I am proud to say he has gained 1.2 pounds since leaving the hospital five days ago. He now weighs 8.14...a hair shy of 9 pounds. So much for me being concerned that he was not getting enough to eat. We are thankful that she had nothing but good things to say about him.

WELCOME HOME SAMUEL - SLIDE SHOW

2007-10-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

Proud Papa and Other Ponderings

2007-10-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

We began this blog thinking that I, Ashley, would be the main contributor to it. We were wrong. It turns out that David's desire to get back into photography and love of learning anything tech-related has teamed-up with his new love, our little man. He has taken great delight in photographing what seems like every moment and then doing all the posting. He has been working on Samuel's first motion picture, which will be coming soon to a computer near you sometime today, I believe. So, for those of you who can't get enough of little Samuel...especially to our families who live so far away, I give to you my inhibited self as David is snapping so many pictures, often with me in them, less than a week after delivery. I have to admit, I love that David has found such delight in all this. We hope you do to. I am also happy to say I have been so impressed with Daddy's keen sense of what the baby and I need. I did not anticipate this to the degree I have found. Nor did I anticipate that he would be more comfortable changing diapers and dressing Samuel than I am. Now if we can just get him to put Samuel down and open a book for school. He has four mid-terms in the next week and a half. Please pray for him.

We are doing well. Looking back, and being vulnerable to tell you, for most of the pregnancy I just could not imagine delivering a healthy son. I worried about him so much. Every day I would look at all the healthy, cute, bright students in my school and be reminded that healthy babies/children are far more common than not and that mine probably would be one of them. When I would see large crowds of people I would, again, use this as an encouragement to see that these people are all so normal and all were once carried by their mothers for nine months, only to be born healthily. It was a strange phonomenon. I think it goes back to my biggest struggle in life: I believe God is real and active in our lives, but how good is he really? Does he really love me and teach me through joy, or is it most often through pain? I know the answer to this question. He is very good. Often his goodness has shown itself to me through struggle, but so often through joyful things as well. As a pessimist, I tend to remember the pain. I have to stop, recall, and submit to both. And really, be thankful that I have experienced both as they have taught me so much.

So all that to say, the feelings that were rushing through my body as I looked over and saw the nurses cleaning off Samuel were unbelievable. Yes, tempered with tons and tons of drugs, but so full of praise. A very healthy, unbelievably adorable little person, now free from my body and with us. Of course we have no idea what is in his future. Sickness and hardships will accompany all his days, and as his mother I know this will be hard to see. However, by God's grace I will continue to go back to what is not only my biggest struggle, but my bedrock faith; his father in Heaven is caring for him far better than I ever can and loves him even more than me.

Okay, time to wake him. His days and nights are really mixed up right now. I think we will try a short walk.

First Day of Events

2007-10-13T18:25:00.001-07:00

HOME SWEET HOME

2007-10-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

prayers before bedtime

LET'S BLOW THIS JOINT

2007-10-12T21:32:00.001-07:00

LAST NIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL

2007-10-11T19:59:00.001-07:00

EVEN MORE PICTURES

2007-10-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

Daddy's First Diaper Change (ever!)
Heaven Help Us

MORE PICTURES

2007-10-10T15:14:00.001-07:00

Day Three!

2007-10-10T15:07:00.001-07:00

VIDEOS TO ENJOY

2007-10-09T22:48:00.001-07:00

What a Day!

2007-10-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Day Two

SAMUEL THOMAS SIMMONS

2007-10-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

The eagle has landed! He was born at 3:15 in the afternoon and he weighed 8.2lbs and was 22 inches long. He can already do 5 push ups and can bench press 25 pounds. Both Ashley and I are full of joyful tears. He is such a wonderful gift from God. Thank you so much for your prayers and support. We couldn't have asked for anything better.

We are here! The Countdown has begun.

2007-10-08T02:59:00.000-07:00

It's 5:00am! Ashley just got her epidural. She is being a real soldier. We got here around 2:00. Her contractions just wouldn't let up. Ashley wanted to go to the hospital. When we got here, we found out that she was pretty far along in labor. Baby Simmons should be here soon. Hip Hip Hoorayyyyyyy!

If You Live in a Town With a Nordstrom's...

2007-10-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

you simply must go to their cafe and have the white chocolate bread pudding. David and I went last night. We got there as they were closing and they just barely let us in. We ordered a (one) piece and I was soon sad because I wanted to order another, but felt that was really pushing it. It is amazing how good it is and I do not even care much for white chocolate. Also, if anyone reads this and has a good recipe for this, I am now in search for one.

Any Day Now

2007-10-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

We are hoping to not be parents whose life is centered around their child/children...yet, with that said, we did create this blog with our first in mind. I wish I could say I might have what it takes to keep up a blog without the great motivation of a baby (sharing all the latest details with our family and friends who live so far away), but I am not sure I would.

So, let me give you an update... his due date is tomorrow, October 4. Today I finished my last day of teaching, which is so great as it was really starting to be difficult. David is working hard to stay ahead of his classes as we know our little man will take him out of comission for some time. Much has been done in preparation for his arrival, now we are just waiting to meet him.

We are scheduled to be induced next Tuesday night if he has not come by then. So, we should have a baby by this time next week! We will let you know the details, via this blog if not another way. We would love your prayers for his safe and healthy delivery.

South City Church Shower

2007-09-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Lindsay, Jamie and me. Jamie is 12 weeks pregnant in this picture!